I Lack the Skills that Pay the Bills…

God is punishing me for wanting to have sex and not being married. I totally believe in this. I’m not in any way a Holy Roller, but I do have strict moral values. I am having another major moral dilemma. So I did a bad, bad thing… okay I tried giving a blowjob, but god damnit I can’t even suck a dude off. I am so bad. After 20 minutes of nothing I ran to the bathroom to rinse my mouth and cry. If I were a prostitute I would starve. I always thought that a woman’s ability to make a man climax was the secret power of being a woman. What kind of woman am I when I can’t even get a horny guy off? I bought a book and everything… nothing. There were like two times when I thought he was close, but I must have done something wrong. Maybe I slowed down or I loosened my grip. My goodness I have weak arms and a weak mouth. I even did my tongue trick (you know rub the head with your tongue while simultaneously creating a vacuum on the head and pumping the shaft). And unlike my head, my body is sooo not ready for full on intercourse. I can barely fit a tampon up there. Seriously if I can’t handle two small fingers there is no way a whole penis is getting up there. I am just inadequate as a woman capable of a mature relationship. I don’t know what to do about this situation… on a much brighter note… I slept over again last night. He’s really a good bed buddy. I wish I could sleepover every night, but I know for a fact that I would need my space every once in a while. And I like how so far I have managed to avoid “bad memories” It’s because of “bad memories” that I will never share MY bed with any man. Follow my logic here… if I had sex or even just shared my bed with some guy the memory of the two of us will forever be in that bed, and if something were to happen with the relationship I would be stuck with the memory of us in my bed. I would have to buy a new bed or suffer the bad memories forever (would you want to sleep in a bed that someone died in? I didn’t think so, same idea). It’s bad enough that I can no longer watch Will and Grace, or listen to Dave Mathews.
Okay so back to the sex (well what we have done so far I wouldn’t call sex, but it was still hot)… I have this leg-humping problem. I don’t mean to, but I kinda start doing it in my sleep, and sometimes when I wake up and realize what I am doing I just don’t stop. But he has a strong, but not rough touch. It’s almost perfect… I wonder how many women he’s sleep with? I should ask one of these days. Oh and he takes suggestions well. I’m very shocked at myself for speaking up and telling him that he was being a bit too rough. Yeah why do boys think that just because they like it hard with their equipment that chicks like it hard also. My goodness boys don’t be so direct with the little man in the boat. You know? Try rubbing his shoulders and not his head. He started off a little rocky, but eventually he found his rhythm. I must give myself snaps for saying “not to hard” I should speak up more in bed. I never ask for anything… Should I? Like who am I to ask a dude to do things that I like?
Usually I am not a nipple biting kind of girl, but Oh my, is he good at it? It didn’t even hurt. I just wish he took notice that I do have two breasts, which means that I have two nipples. Oh well.
I have the dirtiest mind… if I had a bit (okay a lot more) confidence in my ability (or in this case lack of) to please a man, I would have done very, very, non-Brady things. I’m a very kinky girl, but it takes a lot of groundwork to get me to really let loose. Okay I’ll shut up now, because I think I may have said too much already!!!